Okay here's my take. You already know something is up. you've known something is up for a long time but you don't want to face it. Call the school and request testing. Her gaps will only get bigger and it'll be harder to find help as she gets older. If you don't want to go through the school go to the dr and ask for developmental testing. Write down your concerns day to day and sit down with your husband and have a serious talk.

It took a suicide attempt for us to take my sons issues seriously. He's had every Dx under the sun and has taken a ton of different medication. His therapists have helped so much to find different coping mechanisms for him. I was so proud of him when he got over stimulated at an arcade he spent a while in their bathroom calming down. Then he tried to stay for a little before asking to go home.

I'm concerned with how you're always the "Bad guy". You and your husband need to be on the same page. You may just want to drop all of "your" rules and let dad deal with the consequences. Until you and your husband can sit down and write down the rules that he is willing to stick behind. Everything from dinner time, bed time, wake up time, and bath times. Write down a daily schedule that can be followed during the school year as well as summer.

You are doing all the parenting and it's ruining you and your daughter's relationship. Your concerns / accommodation are causing issues between the two of you.