Hi CCL, oooh, your starting to focus on some good stuff.

As for the possibility of borderline and bipolar coexisting, yep. This stuff, mental illness in general, is genetic as can be often, in as much as the children of affected tend to be affected, yet the differences are striking. For example, my grandmother was bp, my mother is bp, my brother is borderline personality disorder with bp "features." I am bp with various "features."

I imagine it at times to be like a train. Each dx is like a car on the train, and one of them, will be the engine that pulls the whole thing. I mean, I don't get the luxury of each symptom or dx presenting seperately. When one cycles out, the rest eventually follow until the train wreck finally occurs.

Naturally there is more to you than meets the eye. But I seriously doubt that you find the "shelter of the tornado" to be any real security.

The thing is, our perceptions of our self have been contaminated in a sense by the "tornadic" influence. As you gain a measure of space between your feelings and your perception of your core "self," you begin to recognize your own beauty again. I promise.

As for wanting to "get well," well, LOL. I guess the joke there seems to hinge on ones definition of "well." I look at the ignorance of the "undiagnosed" often times and consider for myself that if that is "well" I'd rather be "nuts." In a more realistic tone however, I've come to regard the concept of "wellness" for myself to be just that measure of space between my feelings and my self, so I am not so easily lead by the nose by whatever symptom jumps up and hollers for attention.

When we first begin to sort out for ourselves, what was bp, what was real, how screwed up AM I, etc., it really CAN seem like the bp was "helping." Really though, what is more accurate, is that we have adapted our whole self perception according to the dictates of our disorder.

Ya know, you can just look at your own posts here at the forums, and see for yourself a wide variety of self perceptions. You are on the way to finding a real and abiding sense of self that will endure the cycles. It's there. I promise.

So glad you stuck around!