I would say it bothers me for sure. And it leads usually to me doing DIFFERENT behaviors... if the first one didn't work, I try a different one. Or, try the original one again, but in a more extreme way. It really is a cycle. And I don't know how to get out of it. Whenever I do a maladaptive/unhealthy behavior that garners a response that makes me feel cared for, that reinforces that behavior and I keep doing it. And when I don't get the kind of response I wanted, I try something else. I've been told that I can get care and attention from people -- I can get my needs met -- in healthier ways, but I just haven't discovered those ways yet. I guess it starts with me identifying my needs? And then identifying healthy alternatives to get them met? I feel like I've tried some healthy things in the past but it just didn't have the same effect. There's something about holding onto this "sick identity" that comforts me. Who am I without my mental illnesses? What is it like to live without mental illness? I've never really known. And the unknown is scary. Ever since I went to residential treatment a few years ago, I adopted this sick identity and I've held onto it ever since. The vast majority of the friends I have now are friends from treatment and the therapy world. And I digress -- this gets into the identity criterion of BPD, which is a whole other topic in and of itself.

Yeah. Just frustrating. Because on the one hand I love getting this negative attention. It feels good. But there's also that small part of me that knows that if I'm ever going to recover from BPD, I need to work on letting go of those behaviors and getting my needs met in other ways. Just so hard to let go