So sorry honey. Relationships are very difficult for people without BPD and much harder for those with it. It really sucks to have this disease. I understand the shame that you speak about and it can be immobilizing. I don’t know of any short cuts to get through it. It takes time. I do think you dodged a bullet though. You don’t need a life built on the shifting sands of an addict. I pray that you will see your tremendous value and hold out for a genuinely good guy. Or maybe even just be with yourself for a while. I am by myself for the first time in my life and I am an older lady. I always thought I had to be with someone, but I don’t. In fact I don’t ever want to pursue another romantic relationship again. Life with only me is so much better. Probably because, like you, I chose men who were not good for me. I did that because I saw myself as broken and so I was grateful for the attention even from bad guys. Now that I am older, I can see things I didn’t understand then. I encourage you to hold out for someone who treats you well. Hugs.