I think my therapist was legitimately trying to make me cry this morning. She kept asking about my dying grandma and saying stuff like, "how does that make you feel? That has to be REALLY, REALLY hard." Then she looked me straight in the eyes and continued to say it. I held it together, though. I just didn't like being asked about her 5 times, nor did I like to tell her about how she can't eat or function anymore. I had to repeat myself because she kept asking me over and over and staring at me in the eyes.

When I had hallucinations for 7 weeks straight, I almost cried during therapy. She kept saying, "I can see you're holding back emotion. Your eyes are teary. What's wrong?" Then I stupidly said, "I'm agitated," even though I was experiencing extreme fear and paranoia, not agitation at all. But I'm glad I said it was agitation, because I didn't want to talk about my paranoia of someone coming to murder me or being watched on cameras in my apartment and at work (even though there are no cameras anywhere). I was also afraid the FBI was out to get me and arrest me for accidentally stealing a pen from Staples 15 years ago. (It was one of those pens intended to be used for signing reciepts, since there were no electronic signature machines at that time.)

It's irritating when I'm pushed to the point of crying. I mean, I know I need to talk about what's going on in my life, but I don't like being asked repeatedly or looked straight in the eye, waiting for me to cry. It's not cool, and it hurts... a lot.

She made me elaborate on how my grandma can't eat anymore and is dying of starvation. She also made me elaborate on how she doesn't remember or trust anyone. Not to mention she's confused, depressed, and scared. I can't keep talking about her dying and her experiencing emotional pain. I can't even talk about her inability to function or the drs a while ago giving her 6 months to live...

This is so stupid. I hate therapy. I don't mind being asked things, but not repeatedly in the same seesion.