As I sit here writing this, I find my eyes filling with tears again. Sometimes I cry so much lately and the tears scare be so much for they go far deeper than I even understand. They have taken on a new depth that I find no way to describe. It seems it is now that my mind opens up and words flow from me that I do not understand. The quiet world I live in is so silent at times it is deafening but at other times it rages with such a force that I wonder if anyone outside of me hears what I hear?

Sometimes no voices pierce as loud as many voices devouring my thoughts. Sleep does not come except for a couple of hours during the early mornings. I feel lost within and without. My thoughts have been racing for weeks and I could stop them. For the last several weeks I have been going up and down so fast that I cannot even keep up with myself.

But now, over the last couple of days I am dying down. I feel as thought I am falling into a pit of blackness that never ends. I keep falling and dizzy and the voices are hurting my head at times because there is no stopping them. The farther I fall the more they seem to echo out. They seem to catch back up to me in a vicious cycle.

I feel terrified which seems to feed into the others within and things are said and felt and I cannot stop it until it hits me and I feel so low that all I want is to end everything. Then I cry so hard that I feel so bad and just apology so heart felt and hurting, that I finally collapse for the moment and every one else inside collapses until the next time it starts.

Sometimes I wonder if the ultimate sleep seems to be the only way to escape what I feel. Finding words to say what I want to say is seeming so difficult. They come and go in an instance and many times they elude me. The wall around me traps me and I go inside myself for safety.I am so afraid to move yet so afraid not to.

Sometimes like now my thoughts go numb like my insides like now. I feel a need to escape, escape away from everything they did, everything I have never told, and everything that I wish I could say. But will it kill me to tell? Only time will tell. This fear pulls me so far down--down into the depths of hell itself.

Sometimes the silence lies all around and suffocation cuts off my reality. At other times the inside world is colliding with the outside real world that it chokes me and I cannot breath. The truth lies so close that I could reach out and touch it and it would burn. Burn to the depth of my very soul where the truth of all those nights, those years lie just inside waiting to be heard, to be seen through the eyes of others within me that made it possible for me to be here.

Sometimes, I float away, just out of reach of reality--reaching for a place that seems so familiar yet it is not. Sometimes I reach out into an emptiness that surrounds me when all is empty. Fear here takes on a new meaning--one that is not only felt but it has an acknowledge of experience.

There seems to be so much encircling my mind but I find no way to tell or explain what is happening. I find myself searching deep within the recesses of my mind for understanding of what is not understandable. Time keeps ticking away yet I feel motionless as the words keep coming across the screen. Where do they come from? Why can I not just let go and release what is locked away?

There seems to be lots of words but nothing that allows me to say anything. Somehow writing gives me strength to go on. Somehow these words speak through the silence that would otherwise have no voice--no escape. This maddening world of silence--this deep hole that is blocking air and voices.

The maddening world of silence and voices plays with my sanity. Sometimes it is as no one exists and sometimes it is in that non-existence, I find that it would be so easy to slip away--to never come back. Conflicting thoughts invade as though nothing else matters causing me to feel deeper exhaustion and less desire to hold on.

To live minute by minute sometimes second by second, is all I can do right now. And sometimes these minutes and seconds seem so long. But here it is me writing and the keys seem to be my voice and the screen my refuge. Quietly words scrawl across this screen, not even the sound of writing. It is like a silent world right now, not even the sound of the keys sound loud. It is like a silent world of thoughts and feelings coming right now--and I wonder if they even make sense? Sharing feelings that would otherwise never be known.

Silent screams like the ones screams long ago and those I hear when I hear nothing else? In between the lines are words you do not hear. HELP! Being one of those silent words. A very small 4 letter word that can say so much and go so unheard. Some part wishes to be held somewhere yet that would be touch and that is something not everyone can do.

Part of me is hiding afraid to be seen or heard. Yet another part wishes to be heard. Everything is moving slowly over and over again. My world is crashing fast and feels very distance. Writing feels my only way of existing. This world feels like an open trench I am falling into. I feel raw and exposed --yet I have not even really said anything.

This is too close to myself--my heart is crying as much as my eyes. I feel so afraid. This pain and these words are so real. And somewhere in all of this--I am present. Silence echoing yet pain at times stinging. I cry out in the darkness without words. Emotions run deep--deeper than even I myself now. Thoughts cloud my mind to this imprisonment fears holding over me. Emptiness surrounds my being--the humming of the computer seems so distance--even the sound of the television sounds quiet.

And all I have are these words--these silent words--and the darkness I fear where I am falling within. These say so little yet, in some ways say it all.

cami