It's confusing isn't it? I could call my therapist if I was in crisis but I never really knew what that meant. I translated 'crisis' as being about to end my life. So I never did call him, despite being really very desperate at times, feeling suicidal and wanting to self harm or actually doing it. More recently I did push him on it and tried to get him to define it a bit more. He wasn't really keen but it seems that I probably could have called him and I didn't need to be about to end my life - it would have been too late by then anyway. Even more recently he's agreed to letting me email him during the break but it's also agreed that he won't respond.

The anxiety around being rejected is a big part of therapy I think. Maybe you need to experience it from him. As a therapist he should be gentle and kind with maintaining boundaries. It's hard to trust though, isn't it?