Being helpless is really seductive. I think that what motivates a lot of people to get with the program is being in survival mode: If I don't work, I don't eat and I lose my house. Simple. Also, having the attitude that working is a privilege, not a punishment, and it's just plain GOOD for the soul to make a contribution.

The problem with human nature is that if anyone in our lives will take up the slack, the temptation is almost unavoidable to let them do it. I have a friend whose aunt is very rich and pays her way...bought her a house, car, clothing...so she's demotivated -- how could she be otherwise? For the record, I'm unabashedly envious...her life is so easy! OTOH, I would be a slug if someone did that for me, and my friend isn't a slug. She's loads of fun. And she's generous and a much nicer person than I am overall.

Have you thought of going to couples counseling? The issues you face are definitely going to require a team effort.