Figure I'll cross-post here:
T yesterday. He opened door to waiting room, I walked back, and he said "hi" quietly to me as I walked by him. I said "hi" quietly back. We sat down. T said it had been a while since we'd seen each other. I said "well, not really that long." T: "Longer than it it usually is." Me: "True." I said I felt maybe a little silly about the whole e-mail thing (that I'd sent the night before he went out of town) because I think I did mostly OK while he was away. T: "You said 'mostly,' so I'm guessing there was something difficult?" I said there was some stuff with my daughter (which is in TMI territory, so won't go into it here).

I proceeded to talk about that for a bit, with T listening, seeming understanding, and giving me a bit of advice on a particular issue (I have to wonder if his son had issues with it as well but wasn't going to ask). After about 15 minutes, T was like, "Are you feeling OK talking to me after the break?" Me: "Well, I'm kinda nervous, which is why I've been rambling on about this for 15 minutes." T: "It's normal to need some time to adjust." Me: "Yeah, but really it was only 6 days, so..." T: "Still."

Me: "I was kind of concerned that since I did OK...you'd think I was overreacting with the e-mail, with worrying about you being away." T: "I understood why you were concerned." Me: "OK, thanks, but I guess because I did OK, that I didn't reach out to you again, I worry that you think I was making a big deal out of nothing. That I could manage OK on my own." T: "I think it's good you did OK." Me: "Thanks, yeah, it's just more that...will you not believe me in the future if I'm worried about something like that?" T: "I don't think so. I think this was just one particular time." Me: "True, I guess if the week had gone very differently, maybe I wouldn't have been OK and would have felt need to reach out." T: "yes."

T: "Can I ask you something?" Me: "OK." T: "You keep bringing up the fact that you worry you shouldn't be seeing me twice a week. It feels like you don't think you deserve that. Why do you think that might be?" Me: "Well, I see people on PC who go twice a week, and they're dealing with really serious things. I guess I just feel like my stuff in comparison is just not as big. I worry you think I'm malingering or something." T: "I don't think that."

Me: "Or maybe it's really what I'm thinking. Like, I'll think, 'Oh I'm managing pretty well, why am I coming so often?' But then I think about things that show I'm not really OK. Like...I didn't tell you about this at the time. But a few weeks ago, when I'd sent you that e-mail saying all the negative things about myself,

Shifted back to the my not deserving care thing, that I thought I hadn't struggled enough. T: "Sort of like the 'Big T' thing?" Me: "Oh, like the big-T vs. little-T trauma? Kind of that. Or like we'd discussed before, how some people had really awful childhoods but mine wasn't really that bad." T gave an example of neglect, that there could be a really acute case of it, a particular incident, or it could be something that happens over time, where it may not seem that severe at a glance, but it's more the chronicity. Me: "The what?" T: "The fact that it's chronic." Me: "Oh, 'chronicity.' I don't know what I thought you said. Are you saying neglect from my parents?" T: "Not necessarily, I just chose neglect as the example. I was more thinking of the chronicity of your anxiety and OCD from when you were a kid." Me: "OK, though there was also the fact that my parents didn't give me the support I needed for that." T: "Right, that, too. But just the fact that you've been dealing with it for so long, it can have a cumulative effect." Me: "That makes sense."

T: "I also wonder: Do you maybe feel like you shouldn't be experiencing anxiety at all?" Me: "Well, in a way, I feel like, I have a husband who loves me, a great daughter, we're doing OK financially--so in a way it feels like a 'count your blessings,' thing, like I shouldn't be struggling so much emotionally." T: "You can appreciate those things and still be anxious." Me: "True, I guess. Though maybe this partly is from my mom saying, when I was in high school and went to her saying I was depressed, 'what do you have to be depressed about?' Like I didn't have the right to be depressed because I had parents who loved me, I was doing well in school, I had friends. So I feel kind of like I shouldn't be depressed, now, too. Can I be both depressed and thankful for what I have?" T: "I don't see why not." Me: "OK."

I mentioned my fear of insurance deciding to no longer cover two sessions and said I'd figured out a plan to deal with that if it happened (like 2 sessions every other week, 1 session the other week). T: "Do you think you could have come up with the same plan if that did happen, instead of before it happens?" Me: "Probably." T: "You need to learn to have faith in your ability to handle things as they happen. Instead of trying to prepare everything beforehand." Me: "Yeah, I know."

We shifted onto the topic of some marriage stuff that I don't feel like going into here, because some of it's been ground that we've tread before. I'm not sure what got me off on that tangent, but I wish I'd stuck more with the main topic we'd been discussing, since I don't think that topic got me anywhere.

We were basically out of time, but I said, "I know we're out of time, but since I'm seeing p-doc tomorrow, I just wanted to know if you talked about anything with her besides saying you think I should see her more often to figure out the OCD stuff." T: "Not really, just that you're only seeing me now, that you're no longer seeing ex-T and that you've either terminated or are at least taking a long break from ex-MC." Me: "Oh, OK."

He confirmed me for Friday, and we scheduled for both Monday and Thursday. I went over and paid. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too." T: "Wait, today's Wednesday. I'll see you Friday." Me: "Right, I was thinking today was Monday!" T: "See you soon." Me: "See you then."