oh couch.

just got home from t. we spent the entire hour talking about the fight w h the other night which is not what i wanted to happen. but i guess it needed to because i feel better for it. she said before i left that i didn't come in there today looking like I was a puddle of tears or something she said i look strong. i don't feel strong. she is encouraging me to hold onto myself tightly and calmly tell h that "i need to do what i need to do and if you need to leave, then so be it, I'd like you to stay, but if you have to go, i can't stop you." i told her i'm not ready to do that yet. i'm not ready for him to leave. i didn't full-on cry at all during the hour, just little tears welled up a couple times was all, quite surprising for me. she said that i am very protective of him and our marriage. like i stick up for him too much or something. i felt a little attacked by her for a few minutes there actually. it was really difficult and painful.

when i first got there i told her that i can't commit to the 2+ month thing we'd talked about on the phone. she wasn't mad thankfully. at the end when i got out my card to pay she said we should talk about money and mentioned the reduced rate she'd offered me to come weekly for 2-3 months. i said well i will come weekly as in twice more, but i can't commit to beyond that, and i want to be fair to you, so charge me normally. so she charged me my usual $100 thankfully didn't raise it. since we are back into 'doing-therapy-land' as opposed to 'maintenance-land', she said she insists on weekly. At this point I want that anyway. I told her again that I really can't commit to beyond a couple more weeks that I need some time to figure out what the hell I am going to do and she said what then you'll call in 2 weeks? I looked at her and said "well don't let me." oh yeah she also said that this isn't the time to look at my sand trays after all. I said I understand. She said use them as an excuse to h if you need to, i don't mind. i probably will at that.

She gave me the name of a couples counselor and also suggested h and I do CoDA. some codependency thing I told her I'd look into it.

What a hard session. I'm kinda numb and am going to drink my dinner tonight.