Your feelings are completely natural Peaches100.

I felt the same way when there was still contact with my parents. My mother has now passed away and I have cut contact with my father.

I don't think either one set out to abuse me, most likely the same with a lot of parents. I came to the conclusion after reading John Bradshaws work, that they were both still children themselves when they had me. Ok they were in the adult years from their birth age but mentally they were not properly emotionally parented themselves. They did not recognise who they were and the damage they were doing.

My father was a controlling baby man and my mother never felt loved by her parents (they were loving, its just she was one of three and both her sisters were a favourite to each parent, leaving my mum feeling no special connection and she naturally acted up for attention. Then got a naughty child reputation, leaving her with CPTSD which wasn't recognised then.) had her own need to be loved.

My father was violent when stressed and so my mother worked hard to keep him as calm as she could.

I cried a lot as a baby, she complained a lot when I was a child and adult always reminding me how awful I was. I have been diagnosed with low stomach acid and it is likely that as a baby I was in pain. She force fed me, leaving me with a strong gag reflex. Too her, I was the problem.

My brother was born almost three years later and she lavished him with love and he was always her favourite child. He would say she was a great mum and to him she was.

Sure she was not hateful to me all the time but I don't remember the good times because they are drowned out by painful memories.

All the time I had contact it was hard as my relationship felt Jekyll and Hyde. Now I have space, I can see them clearly as a mixture of good and bad parents. I accept that they did harm even if they did not intend too. I also attempted to talk to them about small issues but they were not receptive. the pain is still there but I don't have to listen to my mother complaining about me anymore and my father has no access to control and bully me. That said he does try to use third party family members. I have to a degree isolated myself from them, always careful what I say to them. I know it sounds horrible but he is dead to me now and will feel no sorrow when he dies. I have already grieved his loss.

You have a right to be you and love and respected. If they don't offer unconditional compassionate love, it is them at fault, you are not to blame at all.