People were filling my parents heads full of horror stories when I got un well. Such as most people who go there once never get better and are back and forth until they die. And I guess my dad was trying to be the macho man when he had enough lager and let his stomach rumble. So I shouldn't take what he said literally.
I might have never needed an in- patient stay ever again. I got my meds switched as an out patient when I over dosed. I might never have left Fred! I will never know so there is no point reflecting. But if I had got a job that I was at least partly content with or proud of then we may have stayed together. But my mother Told me I was too old to get an office apprenticeship/junior/trainee etc. even though I was only 18. I couldn't forget the amount of times she told me I had to accept "something was wrong with me" and that was that. She tried to tell the doctor she was looking after me, when she heated up one tin of tomato soup for me when I got the flu at one appointment. The doctor didn't take any notice when I fervently pointed out I had a flu and anyone can work a microwave. I was so shocked that my mum offered to do something for ME I said yes I would like soup. And she decides to tell my doctor. Once it was.
I just couldn't shake that people thought there was "something wrong with me" She said that a guy who was in and out of the hospital was in her work and a colleague said is there something wrong with him and my mum explained she had seen him in hospital and when telling me the story said that she told the colleague that at least you can't tell by looking at me that there was something wrong with me. I just let it wash over my head even though I was a bit miffed.
All of mine and Freds disagreements ended with him saying I needed help, something was wrong in my head or he'd become pushy, and say why don't you try and hit me that will solve things. You know you can't. He would say let's have a meeting and sit down with your mum and dad. We will lock you up in hospital until you realise what's good for you. You don't mean it when you say you dont love me. Its the other you. Do you know how lucky someone like you is , to have someone like me?
He would get mad if I didn't give him a hug when he told what he considered to be a funny joke and called me a cold hearted b^tch.
I didn't call him anything. I would tell him he would be a great dad. Or with his connections could be a property developer. I just hated how he got in fights all the time. We fell out like most couples. I just felt suffocated and trapped that was it. We live in each others pockets I would say.
Without his old posse he was lost. And I tried and tried and better tried to get him to do something about it. He wouldn't setup a Facebook. He wouldn't join up to anything. We spoke to people all the time when out in the pub but he wouldn't text anyone. It was only when I left that he knew he had to get back out there and get his act together. And I bet my bottom dollar he blames me for holding him back. When it was me who gave up all my aspirations for him because I felt like I owed him for standing by me when most told him the same horror stories as my parents.