I can't believe how hard this has been. Everything went to hell in April. Id been seeing this woman, a social worker in the US for 2 yrs at that point. I didn't even wanna start therapy but my bf at the time wanted me to. He picked her out and I only started going to please him. I do have a bad substance abuse problem and she ended up diagnosing me w/ PTSD. Anyway I ended up really connecting with her. We live in a small city And it turns out we know A LOT of the same people. It Actully was pretty weird we never met.
So stuff between us was weird in a bunch of ways i guess. I txed her too much, definitely got very codependent with her. She said things to me she shouldn't have - all things a part of me wanted to hear - she told me not to worry about contacting her so much, I was important to her, said it was like we had ESP, told me about dreams she had about me....it goes on and on. It was like she didn't think of it as a dual relationship cause it was electronic communication and I went a long with this I thought maybe she was doing this cause she knows my mother is psych nurse. She knows I know the rules and bending them some to my benefit is only a good thing....i know she could never be my friend...i know this.
It took a while but I told her things I never told anyone else. The biggest thing was telling her about a sexual relationship i had with one of my high school teachers. Female teacher. It was for basically my whole seinor yr. It was my fist sexual experience with another woman and it was extremely difficult and confusing. This teacher was like a mother figure to me. She was the same age as my mother and my mother wasn't around much and wasn't accepting of my sexuality (bi) and I thought this woman was accepting of me for who I was. She was just using me, for sex. I had pretty much said nothing about this whole experience for 13 yrs. I never even told my husband and I've been with him since 2006 ( except for a yr off when I was w/ the man who got me into therapy)
This social worker help me to start to process all this **** so I was pretty weirded out to say the least when this past March when she told me about a dream she had about me trying to get her to lay down next to me on my bed ( and in a forest....????....i don't know, it was her dream that's what she said)
I was so confused. At the time I was going to a methadone clinic.i was in their IOP program. I talked about what happened to two of the councilors that I trusted ( my SW knew all these people cause she used to run one of the clinics for this same company. She also
was friends with the director of the program) i thought it was confidential but it wasn't. A week later I get called into the directors office and told that an ethics complaint was being written up because of what i said. At first my SW thought that she could clear it all up and she told me to ask if we could all meet. The director said no. I guess she called/ tx all of them and none of them responded.
I spent two hrs on the phone with her trying to calm her down and reassure her. I wanted to do for her what she had done for me. Looking back on it now I realized, not only was it totally inappropriate for her to call me like that but also it occurred to me that she was way more worried about what I said thrn what she had actually said. Part of her concern was that she feels when u talk about something that's upsetting to me I'm not very articulate. I know what she said and i know what i said. I told the truth. I was articulate enough and I didn't lie about anything ( why would I? For what?) So long story short - I'm cutting out a lot of stuff - She terminated with me and gave me very little notice. She lied to me. I asked her if that ment I couldn't talk to her anymore and she said no that wasn't true. Back at the end of December I had terminated with her because stuff was just getting to outta hand for me. The boundaries were getting too blurred. I told her I needed time and space and that lasted only a couple of weeks into Jan. She contacted me because she was having dreams that I was dead and she was so worried she just had to know. Of course I was glad to hear from her. I didn't wanna terminate but I felt I had to. When she called me the next day she said she felt like she was my guardian angel.
So fast forward a couple months....she says she's terminating with me - ok I under stand - things are a mess right now - but I'll defend her till the end and do whatever it is I need to so she doesn't get in trouble. That was never my intention.
Well........the day she terminated with me I went into detox (for alcohol ) at a state hospital. I got out in 9 days but I didn't contact her for about a month. I didn't want her to worry about me. I was hoping she would just think I was still locked in there.
The day I called her, my intention was for one thing to give her a covenant not to sue I had written up, and ask her if there was anything I could write up to help defend her.
She told me she can't talk to me.
?
What?
But I spent months and months and months defending her reputation and keeping my mouth shut at the clinic.
When i terminated with her she contacted me when she wanted to.
When she had questions about the ethics complaint I answered all of them.
What the hell is going on?
She said i was important to her. She said she'd always be there for me. She said she was my guardian angel.
I can't go through anything even remotely close to what happened to me with my teacher. Is that what this is? Yeah to a much much lesser degree but did I just get used again?
I don't even wanna get into the hell I went through dealing with the councilors at the clinic after this happened. I just say dispite all I've been through I've never been suicidal before. Not until now. It want that I felt completely abandoned at the clinic but of the four referrals she gave me at termination 2 of them weren't even accepting new clients, after 2 sessions the 3rd said she couldn't work with me cause I was still actively using ( I didn't really like her anyway, and the 4th omg - just - NO. The way she was talking about fees I felt like I was negotiating the price of a used car, not therapy. It was bad.....for real I'd pay that woman $150.00 NOT to see her. I decided to write an ethics complaint of my own to the NASW not the DPH of my state cause my pointbisnt to get her into trouble my point is - she can't be doing this to people. She's gonna get someone to the point where they're gonna hurt themselves or maybe even her. It's like she just doesn't get it. She lied and mitigates so she doesn't have to deal with guilt or confrontation. I really could go on and on but I gotta go. I was just wondering if there was anyone else who's gone through this process before. I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like this is all my fault some how and at the same time I'm furious at her for putting me through this. I don't know how I feel so confused please help