Thank you but it isn't just me. He's making an effort too, planning to go hiking with me tomorrow morning because it's someplace I've been wanting to go. And sitting down with me and going over our finances earlier today when I asked. I think those are good signs that he's trying too. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being pollyannaish. But it's encouraging to me and whether or not we stay together, fixing myself is for ME going forward into the future whether that future is with him or not. That is my affirmation for today.

ETA: and it's where I'm at right now.

ETAA: I've got 2 more sessions with t for sure that are non-negotiable on the home front, and I may add some more. I don't know yet. I'm feeling my way through this as I go.

Strange day. I woke up this morning and got really overwhelmed with emotions about everything that happened and after crying for over an hour I decided I was going to drive to the forest. I had planned all this out in my head a few days earlier and I had shared some of it with my therapist. I don't know if I was going to follow through, but I was going out there and I would figure it out once there. My therapist was planning to call me at noon and said he would email if that changed. I wasn't planning on telling him where I was unless he asked specifically, but he emailed me around 11 am and asked if that time was still okay. I responded that it was and that I would be somewhere where there was cell reception at noon (so maybe part of me wanted him to know that I was out). Then he emailed me back saying he would be a few minutes late and he was worried that I was out driving since this was something we had discussed on Friday and would I consider turning around so we could meet in person. This really surprised me. He's been telling me lately there's only so much he can do for me and then he offers to see me on the weekend? When he called he asked where I was and I told him I was about 3 hours away. He asked me to come back and meet with him and that he really wanted to be there for me. I told him that this seemed way out of bounds of things he could do for me, but he disagreed. I felt really bad that he was offering to meet me on a Saturday, but also I felt a lot of care that he offered to do that. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it, but I finally reluctantly agreed. We met. It felt kind of awkward and he said some stuff that I'm not sure how to take, but he thanked me for doing this like 5 times so I guess he didn't feel put out or anything. He's going to call me again tomorrow morning.

I'm not sure how I feel about letting him talk me out of it. I'm still here in the same place I was when I left this morning.