passed away last night. We've all been waiting for this for about two years. It's finally happened. I haven't seen the man for about 7-8 yrs and there's no love lost... or so I thought.

Hubby never told him that we are back together, so I haven't been in on the visits. Now I find it difficult not having been able to say good-bye to the old fart. I'm also finding myself shut out of my husband's grieving.

My daughter and fam are in town but it sounded like they had no intention of going to see her granddad but now that he's died, they're asking when the memorial service is?? Does Dad give a rats *** if they go to his memorial service when he sure could have used an acknowledgement from them when he was laying in that bed wishing he was dead for over TWO YEARS?? Hell NO! Gotta keep my mouth shut, though, so as not to complicate my husband's feelings. It's not something he would think about.

My FIL's first grandson hasn't ever been to see him in the years that he's been coming to Calif to visit the rest of the family. Why did hubby bust his butt to call him and let him know his granddad had died??

I've tried looking at this in a selfish way; maybe to ease my own feelings or to detach from the pain hubby ISN'T showing... yet. I've tried to feel glad that at least hubby won't be making a four hour trip three times a week, EVERY week like he's been doing for a year. I'll have him home ALL WEEK LONG and maybe some things will get done around here. It's not working! I'm still resentful that he went down to see his sister today and that there will be yet ONE MORE TIME that he'll be going down there. What's wrong with me??

OH! Yesterday my dear "old man" dropped his cell in his coffee cup full of coffee. Like my oldest son said, it was inevitable! LOL So... hubby called his sister and gave her the house phone number before Dad died. The call came around midnight last night... on the house phone. I answered it. It was my "BIL". Guess the "baby girl" was too good to talk to me. This happened three times last night. Each time it was Don and he wasn't even polite, "Jerry, please." Like we haven't known each other for 30 yrs!?!? Don would place the call and when hubby got on the phone, Don would pass the phone to Jean. SHEEEESH!!! (Actually, that's not what I'm thinking! )

How do I keep my mouth shut until this is over?? I've been saying how glad I am that I've got this behind me; that I've buried my mom. (She's the only one that mattered.) Guess what? It's NOT behind me! I'm going through it again. GOD, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!!

One minor detail; my PTSD comes from having nursed my mom through her illness and staying with her till she drew her last breath. In a way, this is a reminder and in another way, it's a whole new experience. I flipped out the day of my mother's funeral and I stayed that way for years.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING!! Yesterday, they KNEW it was a matter of hours before my FIL died and NO ONE was with him when he died! They just waited for it to happen safe in their beds!! That's totally beyond my ken!! The old man died COMPLETELY ALONE! The nurse checked on him at 11 pm and he was there. She came back AN HOUR LATER and he was dead! That's so unforgivable!!