I just want this to stop.. but i cant make it stop.

I was moving forward, but seem instead of healing i just shut out parts to "do what im supposed to do"

Bad move... all is well, and then it collapsed. I couldnt maintain the farse..
I had to quit the job... then not many days later i wrecked and completely totalled my car.. how i was not hurt is beyond me.. i just left my mind and next thing i knew i was crashing.


Now the illusion has been broken again. I am broken again.. internal chaos ensues..
The unmanageable doubts and conflicting/contradicting beliefs and thoughts are at full speed.
Who am i..? What am i doing here... why did it all fall apart..?

Suicidal thoughts seem constant.. equally throbbing are thoughts that i can do this and be ok. But no visual or vision manifesting on possible solutions.
I feel void... what is this outter shell of a human supposed to do?

Homeless staying with my uncle due to the triggering chaos at my dads.
No car.. feeling weak and incapable.


Why cant i pull it together and get my inside functioning in cooperation once more?
I am frozen... unable to move, fear.. but no fear nor afraid. I am nothing.. but i am many, just wishing a world to find security and have my place and purpose.

How does one manage the ever draining screaming of inner desires and fears..
Happiness does not exist, it is ones ability to create inertia movement in the direction of safety and prosperity.

I dont know what i am to do.. just wish i could make the inside stop so i can make things ok and safe on the outside...

To loathe, hate,admire, and love oneself...


I have cut everyone out of my life besides my 1 cousin and doctors...

Maybe not being able to identify and relate to ones own feelings is a good thing

I am lost


[Trigger] why cant i just die and all of this pain end..]