I’ve stayed away because I have been struggling, very hard. Mixed episode with what I realized last night paranoid psychosis. My S.O. is my sole support system, period. We have been arguing these past weeks over trivial things.

Neither of us are one to pick fights. What I realized last night is that I am delusional with paranoia and it’s bled into our relationship.

These past ... since my stepdad died last November, it has triggered ongoing stress, unprocessed grief, dumped by T, didn’t click with the next T.

The T from Ketamine has her Ph.D and we click but she is far away (almost two hours) and is expensive. Ketamine did have lasting effects on C-PTSD, although she and my pdoc want me to do EMDR (although she quietly confided it didn’t help her).

I’m trying to sell my home. It is so hard to get two hours’ notice to get the house “ready to show” and vacate for an hour. I have two households of items in this big house I cannot financially maintain. I REALLY need to have a garage sale. How do people manage it?!?

Physical problems with daily migraines EVERY day. Chronic pain, 24/7 back and neck.

IP was discussed by pdoc last week. IP was discussed last night with S.O. I’m booked to be gone an entire month this August to go out of state. No refundable lodging, thousands.

I need to find a home or some place to live when my home sells. Out of state. I WANT that...but this STRESS has cycled me into mixed and psychotic. Not floridly psychotic, now have insight.

This couldn’t be worse timing.

Med changes. Klonopin reduced. Lexapro titration 21 days and quit (it seems like HELL...is it me)?

Pdoc must have picked up on my paranoia, as he asked me if I was...I had no insight so I honestly said “no.” He raised my antipsychotic.

This man has saved my life a dozen times, I swear. S.O. getting up there.

WHY am I treatment resistant? My life is...

Will go on Trintellix (sp?) halfway through Lexapro titration .... all I know is it is an SSRI.

I haven’t been here because I cannot support anyone right now, I’m too sick.

But I’ve needed to be here. I’m crying and freaking out and just....I must get through this.

I am not suicidal. I am unstable and if I decline fast.....well I have to hang on. I do not want to die. I want this pain, angst, doubt and just bad wild feeling to end.

How can I bear this?