I had to take the MMPI for this one clinic that I went to for therapy. They make all of their clients take it during the intake. My results said I was malingering ("faking bad") on some parts. It also said some of my responses were consistent with people who view mental illness as a human flaw/weakness. And as someone who is defensive and hard to treat.

I feel so incredibly ashamed for "lying." I didn't think I was lying. And the fact that I apparently view mental illness as a personality flaw or whatever. I never was aware of that before taking the MMPI and I've been someone who has taken part in mental health awareness clubs and events and whatnot and I've publicly opened up about some of my mental illness struggles because I believe in trying to end the stigma. But now that I think about it, maybe I do feel like it's a shameful thing because when one of my termination reports for therapy said that I still was only in "partial remission" from my eating disorder, I was so horrified and offended and angry and ashamed. I felt not good enough. Like I hadn't done enough work. Now I think there was more that played into those feelings, such as not feeling understood or heard or believed. But still. Now I can't help but think of myself as a terrible person. (***But of note, I've also been one to WANT a diagnosis... to feel validated I guess. I was so relieved when I got diagnosed with BPD, for example.) But I also do feel like I don't see mental illness as a personality flaw or human weakness in OTHER people. Maybe just in myself (but I didn't think I did? But I don't know now. I can't outsmart the MMPI I feel like... it has too much validity to it and research to support it).

I've never felt so much shame in my life. I've tried so hard to come up with excuses as to why I got the results that I did. One of them being the fact I have ADHD and the MMPI is so ******* long... hundreds of questions... that I must have just gotten tired and started not caring about my results and just answering things without giving them much thought because I couldn't focus for nearly that long. But I think I read online somewhere that the MMPI accounts for that kind of thing. I don't know. I try so hard to reconcile with this but end up always coming back to the fact that I must just be an intrinsically bad person and there's no way I can escape that. I can't escape myself.

I don't know how to deal with this shame. It's debilitating. If anyone has any suggestions for how to cope with this, please share. Thank you.