I wonder if I am becoming depressed and more paranoid. A couple months ago I went through a 2-3 week period of extreme sadness and impulsive thoughts of hurting myself. Last time I ever hurt myself superficially was back in high school in the fall of 2009. Every so often though ever since then I would go through phases of having strong desires and impulses to hurt myself again but I never act on them.

A couple days ago I was extremely sad and I had a strong desire to hurt myself. I also firmly believed, and still do, that others are bailing on me on purpose because I'm not worth it. I was having many intrusive thoughts and I decided that once I got home after walking from the train station, I would hurt myself if no one was home. Once I got home, I saw that my mom was home so I couldn't do it. She had got home just a few minutes prior.

The thoughts still remained but the overwhelming urge to act on the thoughts had disappeared. I never told her or any other family members about my thoughts and feelings though. I am constantly convinced, especially when I have intrusive thoughts that just won't go away, that I am not worth anyone's time. I feel unwanted, ignored, and would be better off leaving people alone. I even constantly feel paranoid that others are constantly talking about me and even out to hurt me in someway, like destroying my reputation since it has happened in the past.

Even at work or in social settings, if I see a group of people sitting there and they whisper and at times glance at me, I will get a strong belief that they are talking about me. Especially if someone who I know for a fact doesn't like me is in that group. I also constantly feel like people are trying their best to avoid hanging out with me as much as they possibly can and will make up any excuse, even lame ones, in order to not be around me. I have always felt this way but it just seems to be getting worse as I get older and when I go through phases of feeling depressed, all of these paranoid feelings are way worse.

I am paranoid even when I'm happy but when I'm not, it is way worse. When I have intrusive thoughts, it is hard for me to get rid of them. Sometimes, during periods when I am feeling okay, I may recognize them as being intrusive thoughts but in most cases, especially when I am sad, it is almost as if they control my mood and what I should do in order to prevent being hurt, such as avoiding people to do them a favor and not be a burden, hurt myself, and just remain alone.

I'm also convinced that I deserve to be alone since something about me throws people off and I shouldn't make other people feel obligated to talk to me or hang out with me. Even when I am invited to hang out with a friend, I will start feeling extremely anxious because I strongly think she secretly doesn't want to hang out with me and is only doing so out of obligation. The fact that I'm anxious a lot doesn't help either. I don't mean to make it seem like I am looking for attention, I just wanted to tell people something I've been feeling for a very long time and wanted to put out there.

Sometimes I wonder if me being very sad a lot and anxious is part of the reason I have such vivid hallucinations at night even when I am alert. I will wake up wide awake and alert and hear voices saying they are coming to get you or similar stuff like that. I hear being depressed can cause people to hallucinate and even hear voices. Some of it is probably sleep related but in other cases, I wonder if it is depression, anxiety, and paranoia related because I will hear them even when I am fully awake and alert. Usually I will be laying in bed and I will just start hallucinating. I may close my eyes in an attempt to sleep but then I get interrupted by a voice saying something like "They are coming for you" or something similar, vollowed by other ominous sounds. Same for waking up. I will wake up and even if I am alert, I will still hallucinate.

Nighttime is the worse for hallucinations even before I go to bed since it is dark and I am alone way more. Same for visual hallucinations. Sometimes I will wake up alert having a panic attack too which may indicate anxiety of some sort. These events don't happen every night, but they do happen a lot, at least a few times a month, and even more so when I am going through a phase of extreme sadness and anxiety. There has been times where it was 3-4 times a week. I've always hid my problems from my family for fear of being judged and other friends only know a little bit about what I experience, more so about my insomnia and sleep apnea which doesn't help with any of that stuff as well. I think my sleep problems, combined with constant sadness and anxiety, contribute to the vivid hallucinations, mostly auditory.