Hate... is such an ugly word... I keep going back to it... hate... hate.. hate.. hate...

I give... up.... I say... this.. then I pick myself up... and try again...

Only.. I can't anymore... I have run out... of friends and family...

My abusers...gave me... such trauma... that I cannot be.. what my best friend.. and my son... need me to be...

My T... "blamed" me... for not being "firm" enough with my adult son... and... so the responsibility... sits... firmly.. and solidly... upon my shoulders...

My friend... I cannot be " mentally well"... for her.. so have failed her too...

I am at the end of my rope... there is no more rope... there is no knot to hold onto.. there.. is no hand to grab....

Responsible. responsible... responsible... responsible...

so here is is... everyone... I admit.... I am responsible...

I will take... the responsibility...

Dad... you are "off the hook".... as a 3 year old... I seduced you.. and made you...think of me sexually.. so you couldn't help yourself..
I made everyone so angry.... you absolutely had to lock me in the closet... and beat me.. yes... welts were the only way.. I was such a terrible child - I agree...

Mom... I seduced Dad... at 3... and I take full responsibility.. and I am a *****... yepper... I certainly was... and yes.. I could never call the abulances for you fast enough when you passed out... and no... driving you.. back and forth to your work... 100 miles a day.. thru snow..and sleet.. and unplowed roads.. is every 15...16..17..18.. year olds dream.. of a perfect life..... and especially when I did it without ever.. ever... complaining.....and hey.... watching Grandma die at dinner... and getting an abumlace for her too... well that was special too.. for a 17 year old... thank you for giving me that experience that I may learn.... that I did not ever call an abulance fast enough foe anyone... thank you.. I am responsible.. I admit it....

Pedophile.... I seduced you at 12... too.. please... please... please... forgive me for ruining your life... I am so very sorry.... I should have known better... you know.. 12...13...14...15.... mom dying.. dad..raging anger... you... were the person that "loved" me... so thank you...I take full resposibility for ruining your life....

Ex-Husband... yes.. I agree... I am a worthless piece of %#@&#!... I am not worth the air I breathe... no one but you could ever love me... yes.. I so agree... and thnak you... thank you so much for .... telling me that every day for 12 years...it built character.. as I got up every morning.. and went to work.. and supported you.. and your daughters... my step-daughters...

and all of you... thank you... thank you... thank you...

so that at 52.... I can hear my T... tell me... that it is my responsibility... that I was not "firm" enough with my son...

end of the line... end of the rope... just thru..

ugly... things... and ugly me...

BUT... I accept.. responsibility... everyone.. I am responsible...