Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme
Tears came to my eyes reading this for a few reasons: the anguish you are in- I am so sorry and I hope you find that pinprick of light and hope or that the emotion turns a tide or relents. You must be exhausted. Also too your T coming through and caring that much. I am unsure of what terrain is underfoot for us, at least those of us with trauma, when it comes to what T's think & feel& their limits. He is fighting for you, and I am relieved he is. Mainly, I am so sad for the ordeal you are undergoing. In a way I can share my tears with yours, but in a way we kind of have these individual battles that I hope we all win.
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Thanks for this. I was kind of angry at him this morning for making me drive all the way back. I drove 7 hours round trip and never got to the national park I was aiming for. Then that turned to despair. I woke up and the same crap that existed yesterday existed today. I can't help but wonder what decision I would have made if I had got there. Maybe it would have been better if I'd made the decision, whatever it turned out to be. Or maybe coming back was the decision. Or maybe I just didn't want to hurt him. I could tell he really wanted me to come back. I really wanted to go sit in a forest and contemplate my fate. It feels like so much work to claw myself out of this hole and I'm just ****ing tired. I don't think I can do it. I can't envision a future for myself that's worth living. I tried to be strong and resilient for a long time. The crap over the last couple of years just broke me.