Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0
Sorry, didn't mean to be coy or make assumptions about how to see it. OP said this: "Really no one gave a dang about what I did and didn’t do while I was a kid." So I assume that yelling (being upset) about OP screwing something up for herself (and again this is a specific context, because OP has a specific goal of getting back into med school after some MH issues and being successful there), means something to OP. I think that the yelling means that the T cares about what OP is doing or not, which is the opposite of what happened in her childhood. I can see if one was yelled as a child (resembles my family), then yelling would have a different meaning. Or for OP, maybe the yelling means that she has to shape up, or she won't reach her goal (sort of like a nonabusive version of what boot camp instructors do to new recruits, or pledge week at a sorority. Not terribly unlike the socratic method in law school, designed to point out a student's mistakes and encourage them to do better.
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I think you hit the nail on the head here. It’s all about how it means that T cares about me and me achieving my goals. My dad abandoned my family and I when I was 7, and my mom was there but for a few years was really depressed and not the parent I needed, especially for those crucial years of my life. I was very vulnerable for those years, too, because I was very sick. I had started having symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis and I had to go through all sorts of testing, different meds, and lots of pain. It was quite a difficult time and my mom was there for a lot of it but I also felt the need to protect her because she was going through a very rough time with my dad leaving. She did yell sometimes, but it was never in a way that was helpful for my growth. It was always more like nagging or just getting mad because I didn’t do what she wanted or agree with her. I never got yelled at for not achieving my goals or slacking off or something. I also really never got praised for doing well in school. No one was ever checking up on me for that. I never had to be afraid to bring home a bad report card or something and I kind of wish I had that experience. Not afraid in an abusive way, but afraid of disappointing and seeing consequences to my actions. I never was held accountable for anything. And now I have that and it feels nice. I know I have to grow up at some point and hold myself accountable, and I do in many ways, I did have the discipline to get myself into medical school in the first place, but I feel in a way that I need to be patented a little first and these therapists are able to give me what I need. My old T would (and still does, I still have email contact with her) tell me she was proud of me way more often than yell at me. Almost every time I talked to her, she’d slip that in there about something I did right, even though she knew it made me uncomfortable. Hell, I’m pretty sure that’s why she did that. She wants me to be able to feel positively towards myself when I earn it.
There’s also that boot camp aspect, too. Actually, I went through pledging in undergrad and I dealt well with that structure and liked that so many people cared about me and what I was doing. It feels better when other people have control over aspects of my life. I know I need to outgrow that, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.