I understand that. My T calls it a "fugue state" with the understanding we are using the term our own way, and not the textbook definition. You're in a dangerous place, where there's anguish and dark that wont relent or remit, so of course you get worn down. There IS a way to make it stop, you just dont know what that is yet. A new puppy- a rough collie lassie collie that you can brush and train with eyes full of love? A CBD oil and prozac combo that you hit hard and changes something? It's hard to believe from inside the dark that light exists. Neurofeedback? It's your T's job to show you just a flicker of light. I agree with ElectricManatee that giving your brain a boost, some protection, and a chance to heal with medication could be a lifesaver, and not at all permanent
Quote:
Originally Posted by NP_Complete
Thanks for this. I was kind of angry at him this morning for making me drive all the way back. I drove 7 hours round trip and never got to the national park I was aiming for. Then that turned to despair. I woke up and the same crap that existed yesterday existed today. I can't help but wonder what decision I would have made if I had got there. Maybe it would have been better if I'd made the decision, whatever it turned out to be. Or maybe coming back was the decision. Or maybe I just didn't want to hurt him. I could tell he really wanted me to come back. I really wanted to go sit in a forest and contemplate my fate. It feels like so much work to claw myself out of this hole and I'm just ****ing tired. I don't think I can do it. I can't envision a future for myself that's worth living. I tried to be strong and resilient for a long time. The crap over the last couple of years just broke me.
|