Hello Dokkaebi: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having all of this difficulty. I cannot tell you what this is all about. From my perspective, I think it's really something you need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist who has experience working with people who have these kinds of issues. I'm not a mental health professional. And anything I might offer would be simply an uneducated guess & probably not worth the time it would take to read it. Plus, since it would likely be wrong, it could potentially do you more harm than good.

The one thing I guess I do feel comfortable saying is that I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members who were experiencing serious mental health issues (to say nothing of relationship issues) as a result of viewing all kinds of internet porn. As a result, my personal opinion is that this stuff is toxic, especially if a person has underlying mental health issues to begin with. It's basically like throwing gasoline on smoldering embers! (I'm an old man now myself. So there was no such thing as internet porn when I was young. That is one thing I'm grateful for.) So, at least in my opinion, in addition to getting yourself involved in some long-term therapy, the other thing I would strongly recommend is to stop with the porn! All it's going to do is to cause you more-&-more misery the longer you continue to watch it.

Perhaps you've already been there but just in case you haven't there is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to OCD. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/ocd-trichotillomania/

And then here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of OCD incuding an OCD quiz you can take:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-oc...ely-uncertain/

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/o...isorder/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/living...sive-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/avoidan...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocd-quiz/

My best wishes to you...