I am afraid to personally apply for a job. There is one place that will probably give me a job. This scares me. So I did not call. This triggered a bad episode of depeession. What am I to do when I have a job? I may be very drepressed and show up late.

I am also very sad for other reasons like what I mentioned yesterday here. It probably is a good idea to understand a romantic relationship with my ex is not a good idea. She will be in my life anyways. I have been and still am there for her. I will do anything to help her. I did this before I started having these feelings. I have always been there for her. I care for her very much. I even make her laugh which makes me feel good. She is the first woman that I have ever loved while in my fourties. She will always be special to me. But I need to move on with my life.

I saw a YouTube on ECT. When I saw what happened, I became distressed. Patients have this done several times a week for several weeks. This is an awful thought to me. Terrible. But it works.