This cycle is never ending and I'm constantly , every day being reminded of how I wish I was never born. It's basically been like this since I was discharged from the hospital a little over a week ago. I stay up until 3AM, wake up around noon. I'm supposed to move to another halfway house sometime soon, and all my bags are packed. But they won't tell me when. I'm just waiting, in limbo.

If I leave the house I become so enraged with people that I bite myself from the anger. They look at me wrong, interact with me wrong, honk their horn at me, anything they do just pisses me off. Also it's summer...the most disgusting time of year. I feel physically sick from the sun burning my skin and sweating. I'm showering up to 3x a day because I just feel so disgusting.

I'm also just about broke because due to all of the above, I overspent trying to pacify myself with material items or my favorite junk food. My girlfriend is now in the psych hospital herself and probably will be for awhile. She doesn't want any of our friends to know where she is so I've been avoiding them completely because I know they'll ask. The hardest thing is wishing I was back in the hospital...the specific hospital where I know all the staff, I know the routine, everything's simple...I feel safe...but I know that can't be an option because it won't solve anything. I'll have to face the world again no matter what.

I go to my doctor, therapist all that. I can't say it's helping. It's been the same stuff for the past 10 years. The same cycle, never ending, never stopping. I have dreams and goals buried somewhere but I don't see how they'll ever happen when I can't escape this. I'm 25. I can't imagine going on , like this for another 50, 60 years or however long I'm expected to live.

Sorry to sound so depressing. I wouldn't even call this depression. I'm just...trapped. Nothing is happening so nothing can move.