Well, the concepts and descriptions in Self Psychology are quite similar to mine, I think. The interesting thing, in my experience, was that I did not arrive at my interpretations and conclusions studying Self Psychology or anything similar first. I did on my own, using some information from general personality psychology, but much more heavily based on my own analytical-intuitive processes and life experience. I was kinda thrilled later learning that some people have already described and publicized very similar things - it also made me feel that I was reinventing the wheel for myself, but whatever - the impact was still strong.

I personally tend to despise the popular suggestions of therapists and psychotherapy theories of transference - perhaps rooted in more old-fashioned Freudian ideas, but also I think heavily influenced by power-seeking and authoritarian, manipulative, often disingenuous approaches of therapists who want to cultivate client admiration. Even my "good" T, who is definitely very knowledgeable and intelligent both cognitively and emotionally, was kinda surprised when I presented him with my interpretation of my transference pattern. Maybe not so surprised, but I often felt he would have wanted to be in a role of a provider of love and caring, validation, inspiration - and not just mere reflections of my own, already very self-aware independent values and productivity seeking. I think he understood and fully accepted my view and approach though, including when I terminated therapy because I no longer thought it provided me with benefit over its costs.

My first T, however, was a total mess in all this. Extremely manipulative, pushing his own brand of transfrence, interpretation, and dealing with it is his own way only, ignoring my versions (that I shared generously with him), unable to see who I am as a pretty well-developed, adult, integrated human being with only specific issues. In my last message to this T, I told him that I stopped trying to understand how his world operates because I am unable to have a feel of it, and I think he is just as unable to feel mine. Totally incompatible, living in parallel universes that have almost nothing to overlap. He never responded and I have zero motivation to ever contact him again. If there exists a perfect match - I think I experienced the perfect mismatch with that therapist It's been interesting why I decided to engage with him in the first place though, and kept pursuing for a while. I think, because back then, I was just as similarly mismatched with my own self and basic, natural values. I avoided addressing the misalingnment in myself for way too long - so I superficially felt drawn to some others who reflected the same state and discrepancies, poor responsibility, poor discipline, lack of effort.

The realizations about my motives regarding that bad T were very meaningful for me though. In terms of how low I can sink in my own "values"/realizations/responsibility, when not healthy mentally - when I continually seek out someone like that T and get obsessed with my interactions with him. It definitely mirrors my "low" states.

The interactions with the mentors in my youth though, described above, provided the other parts of the spectrum - how high I can arise, be content, in line with myself, when I do my best in terms of natural inspirations and values. I also found those transferences very healing and progressive. I think it's a normal process of life that we experience all these extremes and everything in-between, and perhaps find some kind of reasonable middle ground that suit us best and that not only reflects us more realistically but can provide the most satisfying, productive basis of our lives and higher contributions.