Last night got really hard and I didn't feel completely safe with myself. Thoughts felt distorted and I felt like I lost touch with the rational side of my brain. I have been on the verge of starting my period, and turns out that was the night before which is always the worst for me. It really scares me that I don't know if I can even trust myself from one moment to the next. I only got 2 hrs of sleep because I had to catch a flight and felt pretty bad, but then stopped by my parents and saw my cousin who was visiting and had a nice conversation that made me feel a little more normal. I thought I would hate to have to talk, but it actually was a good thing. It will be good for me to be around friends and family for the next few days until I feel safer and more stable, if that even happens.

Edit: called my pdoc's office and spoke with the nurse. My pdoc is out of the country (only until Tues, thank goodness), and they told me to drop my lamictal dose back to 100 mg just to be safe. She checked with some other people in the office, before telling me this. She said she pulled my chart, and definitely sounded a little anxious when she started talking to me after and gave me some crisis number and told me I can call the on call doctor at any time after hours. I wonder if they got worried about all my notes of "not sure if I can keep myself safe" and the like.