I'll be doing my normal, daily thing like making myself a plate of food, and then I'm in a weird state. I've never talked about how this feels to anyone (maybe my T but I don't remember doing so).

I'll reach for the serving spoon, but I'm not the one handling the serving spoon when it's putting food on my plate. It's not me organizing the food, I'm just watching it happen. I'm talking, but my words don't reach my lips. It stays in my head because I can't operate my mouth, it's not mine to operate. Someone else, or several people answer me inside my head. My movements, the ones I can't control, are that of a child. How the hand is grabbing the spoon is uncoordinated and acting as if the hand is smaller than it really is.

I sometimes hear this child in my head and I always feel warm when I do. But I always feel something else, too. I feel so ****ing vulnerable. During times (like the example above) when it seems he has taken charge, my feelings of vulnerability are unshakeable, even well after I'm back in charge. I don't understand it. I've never felt this way when James takes over, or Monica, or even Kay. Granted they all bring on their own feelings, but it's never as intense as I am with the vulnerability that comes with George.

I should probably just tell my T this stuff and see what he thinks. I don't even know what answers I'm looking for here. Admittedly, I've spent a good amount of energy trying to avoid this subject because it feels so... raw, I guess. I don't want people judging and making fun of me, or using this vulnerability to screw myself or one of the others over. George is sweet and innocent, I don't want him hurt because people can't accept him. And, admittedly, I also want to be accepted. Rejection hurts, no matter how many times it happens, it all hurts more each time.