The proverbial 64,000 dollar question. And replies all good above. But it's just one more word in a long list of them which we have grown accustomed to using without any possibility of understanding them. Soul and reality for two more. As tempting as it is to stagger laughing down a humorous tangent here, I'll just say, I think what you are really after is a measure of peace inside yourself which you either remember or have glimpsed as possible, but which is hampered by your own body/brain chemistry. For myself, I've had to pretty much let go of any comparative sense of success or failure in that. How do "I" feel. Period. Does that make sense?