Summertime ... kids are in camp, I separated from my wife almost one year ago (legal & paperwork still ongoing).

And last weekend I stopped into a noodle shop for a late dinner— it was a noisy random crowd, a lot younger than me, and I sat at a stool at the counter by myself and had ramen and a beer.

I guess it was the most normal thing in the world—no funny vibes from anyone. Here’s what was strange: I had this distinct sense of being so very alone. And it wasn’t a bad feeling—it wasn’t necessarily great either—I was just very, and surprisingly, alone. I really never expected to end up so alone.

Sometimes I am very lonely these days. But I dont miss the violence and threats and sadness of being in a horrible relationship. Mostly I have a feeling of being unconnected, and unattached, and solitary. I appreciate being able to talk to, or spend time with, friends or co-workers. But when I hang up the phone or leave and go home, I’m alone again. When I walk around during the day, evening, whenever, it’s just me, solo.

It just feels odd.

I sometimes think I “should” date (and friends have politely asked if I want to) ... but in reality I don’t want to be coupled up, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I have so many fears about the possible bad bits and so little patience or confidence in any possible joy. I have no idea of what my future brings except that I’ll probably still be muddling through, mostly alone.

I’ve just been mulling it over and over and over in my mind all week and I wanted to share here, and maybe I can stop thinking about it so much.