You know today I was speaking with one of the people and I was able to identify what the technical problem is. That gives me some hope.

I have a lot of anxiety about work. I’m dreading Monday because of some **** ups that aren’t even **** ups. None of it was my fault. Circumstances changed last minute, late into the evening after everyone had left, making the nightly email I sent out to several people wrong, a scheduling error. Another email was sent but I am terrified that I will hear from my boss about it. I am not seeking approval or trust or anything. I don’t know. I’m just trying to do my thing. Maybe I need to show her that I “respect” her by talking to her, but I am avoidant instinctively and she is a nightmare to explain things to because she will take the reality and twist it to her liking and then label you. She is a little too much like my mother. I have a lot of anxiety in general though. I can worry about anything.

She is going to be mad at all times anyway so I am just going to go right ahead and do my job. I know I did not make any mistakes tonight and I have learned from my experience here.

I am angry because i lack the social skills and character to take full control of my learning and networking. But I am also angry because I am quite obviously being held back.

I have a better idea of what direction I want to go in. I want to be on the other side of the table. I don’t know if I want to stay here for a long time though. I had thought I wanted to move up here at least once before leaving, but maybe I can move up elsewhere. That will take some maneuvering.