Thanks for adding more history about him, it helps with understanding his behavior patterns. What I am reading is that your husband's main influences in his life were all women. He did not really experience any real male role models. I don't think he has gotten over the loss of his mother either. Even though he did not want to move back home when that other relationship fell apart, he did find comfort in knowing that was there for him if he needed it. I also think that your husband gets his sense of self esteem when he can either mother or be mothered and that's why when your child was born he began to embrace being in a kind of "mothering" role while you were busy working. I think it was a huge challenge for him when you insisted he work and contribute financially. I think doing that scared him, to the point where he cried about it. Also, sometimes the fear of getting married has more to do with never actually being able to observe an actual "marriage" while growing up as his mother was divorced and he was raised by his mother and grandmother.

I think that his complaining about your marriage to this older woman had/has a lot more to do with his own low self esteem. When you told him he had to work you pushed him to grow up and when he found this woman who had such a playful personality, he began to put her in a mothering role that he could vent his frustrations to about how he was so unhappy that you pushed him into having to grow up and make a living. Also, from what you have shared he needed this woman to respond to his child part when "mommy I got hurt, kiss my boo boo and make it better". That is what he was doing when he had that pinched nerve and took that selfie that he needed to share with this older woman. You were the bad guy because you don't "mother" him, you want him to grow up. It sounds like your husband never really "matured" and went through the stage of learning how to be independent. It sounds like he went from living with mommy, to living with that older woman to living with you and missed a stage of development.