I have to admit I'm beginning to struggle again.

Possible trigger warning (mention of bones & running distance):










I always feel too big though I am thin, even very thin you could say. But I don't always feel thin enough, or I feel that eating dessert will make me gain too much weight or something.

Lately, I have been exercising a lot and more than I should. I have been running a lot and am starting to get a distance runner's physique. Some bones that should not be showing are, and yet I like it (stupid eating disorder).

And then I will do things like exercising too much. Once when I was hypomanic, I ran over 10 miles without really any prep for it. I don't know if it was the mania or if the ED fueled the thought that it was a good idea to run so far and the bipolar mania made it worse.

I hate this stupid disease. It is harder than being bipolar, harder than confronting PTSD, worse than panic disorder, worse than dealing with quite a lot of big issues in life, such as emergency surgery and the most painful recovery quite beyond my imagination.