Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810
Once my parents bought their council house, they spoke like their life's mission was complete. They never had any intention of helping me make good use of my brain . Or helping me or my brother get a car. Sometimes I feel like they are only comfortable now because they cheated the system. Nothing stopped my mum from working full time when I was got to high school. Like any other decent parent would have done. They were told I was intelligent and talented but my mum didn't care. Her life was s^it, since my father so I would pay for it. I felt that thetr were conditions attached to love. Only if I became "a" something, with a title would it make it worthwhile that my dad went to the solicitors to see me. And my mum ? Even my grans niece said she was difficult to read and understand. Hardly surprising I was in anguish. I tried to hide it. My mum really did poison my grand parents against me. My Biology teacher said I would only make it so far by not applying myself and she was right. She knew I was bright but everyone thought it was just me who had an attitude problem and they lapped up every lie my mother Told. My grand parents were on my mums side. I felt alone now. I know my grandfather loved
His grand children, everyone knew that. I did feel like a disappointment in his eyes. He spoke about my love life because I never failed anything at school so he didn't need to ask that.
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When I left Fred, my family said I could stay at Grans as she had a spare room. The moment I left my parents they converted it back to two bedrooms. So it was my only option really. I knew it was only temporary.
Nobody realised that my Grandad had been holding Gran together so much. Me and dad alternated the lift to Bingo. I didn't make a huge effort to "get back out there" since my mind was set on moving away at all costs.
Being back "home" just brought back reverberations of my family saying something is wrong with me and I thought that they would try and force me back to Fred.
I may have considered going back seeing the way my family treated me. I was still an inconvenience.
I started drinking every night. And taking less and less of my medication because I needed more energy. I was working, getting all the paperwork to secure my grants and loans. And doing most things around the house and taking the dog. Getting the shopping or ferrying my gran and mum when they needed. I would have been better with Fred, I thought at times but I shook myself and said no matter how hard it is now, going back is not an option. I.dug my heels in. I couldn't go to the pub so I went to the gym and then an exercise class.
But my Gran was such hard work. I would ask what she wanted for tea and she would ask what do you want? With my work I didn't have tea at her normal time a lot. I tried to tell my mum that I couldn't make sure Gran ate all the time but it landed on deaf ears. And this couple who visited said that my gran was looking neglected and skin and bone! I was hurt. My Gran wanted whiskey and to smoke above anything else. Food was not high on her priorities list. Every night without fail my gran ran backwards and forwards to the toilet with her alcohol induced gastroenteritis.
She liked to cook some nights when she was still compos mentis . But she made mince and potatoes and the potatoes were watery mush after her forgetting. I snuck out to Chinese later and I decided it was best we had supper at separate times. I took her shopping one time and she bought three portions of macaroni cheese. And I was stressed but I joked you have a lifetime supply of macaroni this week. I told my mum that granny wasn't coping without Grandad. I said that she couldn't digest food from the chip shop either.
I had no.confidence to get my social life together . My bridges were never that strong to start with. I met old pals but all I could think was what Fred saying : a ward four reject is the reason you have no friends left. I thought I would only get new connections If I moved somewhere and started a fresh. Where nobody knew I had had psychiatric treatment.
But I had to go to rehab, I was so.unbelievably messed up. I got a pass to go back to Grans and I could have stayed. But the staff with their experiences knew that it wasn't going to be an option and said to me if I didn't feel safe the ward was open all day and night for people in a crisis.
Because I was fragile and recovering,I heard my gran running back and forth the whole night and I didn't get a wink of sleep. I went back.to the hospital while it was still dark. When I went to collect some of my belongings my mum and Gran had a tirade and my gran put on crocodile tears. Saying it's no wonder my Gran turns to the whiskey and trying to make me feel.guilty for leaving in middle of the night. It was so false. They didn't care, and my mum hadn't recovered from Grandad passing away. It was evil and twisted and they were just playing games.
The nurses and doctors broke down my walls and convinced me I had to go it alone even if it meant staying in a hostel. The social services and local council were fine too. But I was lucky and got a temp. flat. Then permanent. Pride isn't easy to Swallow. I lived off my savings along with job seekers. I had masses of clothes. And it felt good to de toxify my life. I did get back in touch with my family after three months on my own.