When I called him yesterday morning, he called back right away. He was able to squeeze me in, which I was appreciative for. At the end of the call he said, "I'm glad you called, and I'm glad I have time for you to come in."

He wasn't in the office that he was in the last two times. I missed the dim lighting and wide open windows from the other office. I'm not going to be a fan of the ever changing offices. I like consistency, not change.

We spent a lot of time just working on expressing how I felt in a way that was safe. I told him I'd been contemplating hurting myself all morning. "What can I do to help me feel better?" In moments like these he's a fan of free thinking with the EMDR tappers. It's led to some good work in the past, so when he offered them I took them.

I had two small realizations and a couple of interesting moments that stand out.

The first realization is that I don't tolerate my extreme emotions well because I don't like not being in control. There's something he said that helped me make that connection, but of course I don't remember what it was.

The second realization was when toward the end of the session I was struggling to come down, and I started in on the "I should be better than this" track. T asked me who was talking in that moment. I said without hesitation "my father." I know that a lot of my self critical elements are influenced by him, but I didn't realize how pervasive it is.

Then as we were wrapping up (well we wrapped up for a while. I stayed maybe 10-15 minutes late) he went on this little monologue. "I'm just impressed with you today. You're so resilient given everything you've been through. You made a series of very healthy choices today, and I'm impressed. I'm glad that you made the choice to come here today, and I'm glad I was able to be here for you. You deserve to be seen and heard. I'm committed to working through your stuff with you."

I sat on the couch for a moment and couldn't breathe. I was silent. "You look inquisitive, Daisy. Thoughts?"

"I'm just having a weird moment. I heard you say all of those things, and maybe for the first time I believe you." We discussed that for a bit. Eventually I came to doubt not his authenticity in saying what he did, but myself for not doubting him. Like me believing him was a serious lapse of judgement.

Something we've talked a lot about the last month is how he's prone to positive reinforcement through simple phrases like "you've done a great job today." As I was paying, he said something like "I'd be remiss if I didn't throw in a patented 'good job'."
"Lord, you're such a teacher. I want to get you a book of those incredibly cheesy teacher stickers that say things like 'super' or 'you're a star'."
"Now when I feel compelled to tell you that you're doing a good job I kind of want to say 'here's your sticker'. Would you find that patronizing?"
"Oh, for sure that's patronizing, but I would laugh every single time because I'll always appreciate sardonic humor."

Two other things of note from the last two sessions: he seems to have injured his finger while on vacation, and he hasn't worn his wedding ring in either session that I had with him this week. I'm going to choose to believe he's an idiot and lost it versus something less innocuous.