Warning: This is a particularly trigger-heavy post (with potential triggers of several different types). T Thursday. Went back and sat down, commented on rare sunshine. Assorted small talk, stuff about D's bad sleeping habits, and how the new SSRI I'm on seems to be affecting me.

I said I wasn't sure where to head with session, that there was always the trauma list (that I'd typed up and given him a couple months ago, but we haven't addressed yet). T said I'd mentioned that numerous times, so maybe we should go with that. I handed him a copy so he didn't have to get it from my folder. He said he wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it, and i said some of it was things we'd discussed before. But otherwise, wasn't sure of the best approach.

I said I wasn't sure if it made sense to start with the easier ones, stuff that didn't really affect me in my day-to-day life but just maybe in a particular area. Like my dad and I getting rescued from the ocean by lifeguards when I was a teen. How it was scary, especially since my dad alone couldn't save me. And that I'm still really careful in the ocean and keep a really close eye on my D. T said that's actually probably a good thing, as it's safer for me and D. I agreed.

I said another one that was very scary at the time, but I'm not sure how much it affects me now is I said since I'd been asked for money (change for payphone) before it happened, for a long time I steered very clear of anyone asking me for money on the street. T said that probably made sense in staying safe.

I said I wasn't sure which thing to discuss next. T skimmed down the list. In one, I'd listed "Fuzzy sexual encounter in college." T: "Is Fuzzy a nickname for a person?" Me: "No." T: "The name of a drink?" (I guess he was thinking of fuzzy navel?) Me: "No, more like...I'm not sure how to classify it." I went on to explain what happened.

I said another one from college that definitely still affects me is one think we'd discussed before. I was riding on the highway with my longtime friend B, when he started intentionally driving recklessly, swerved, and we hit the jersey wall in the median. T: "Wow that sounds really scary." Me: "It was." That we we were both mostly OK (I did have some whiplash), but the scarier thing was that I'd suspected at the time that
He asked if that affected me when riding in cars with someone else driving. I said yes, at times, like if they don't seem to be paying close attention or do something that seems dangerous. Like with H, if he's drifting out of the lane, and I say something to him, which is probably really annoying. T: "You have my permission to say something if he drifts out of the lane! Tell him Dr. T said to tell him!" Me: "OK!" I said that's part of why I often prefer to drive, that I know it's just an illusion to have control (as I can't control other drivers), but I still like having that illusion. T said that's why people often prefer driving to flying even though driving is statistically much more dangerous.

We had maybe 5-10 minutes left, the perfect time to go into deeper stuff. (Yes, I meant that sarcastically of course.) I said how it makes total sense to me to feel somewhat traumatized by those things. But then there are certain things that I feel I caused myself, so it's like I don't have a right to feel traumatized by them. I started crying and said, for example, my DWI and . That I did those to myself, so it's like I shouldn't be able to list them as trauma.

T: "I disagree with that. I think you can still be affected by them and find them traumatic. You didn't know how those things would turn out when they happened. You didn't know how they would affect you." Me: "Thank you. I guess you're right. Like the night with the DWI, I didn't intentionally set out to get that. But still, I feel I can't say that I was terrified by all the police cars or the pain from the handcuffs that still hurt days later." T (compassionately): "It's OK to be affected by that." I looked at the time. "I guess we have to schedule now, right? And we can continue with this next week?" T: "We should definitely continue with this next week, yes."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Went over and paid, shook hands, and he said, "It's Thursday, right?" Me: "Yes." T: "Then have a good weekend!" Me: "You too." T: "Enjoy the sunshine!" Me: "You too. I guess we should enjoy it while it lasts!"

As I was getting in my car, I had an insight related to what we discussed at end of session, and started crying. I sat in the car for a bit, thinking about this realization, and ended up e-mailing it to T:

"Dear Dr. T,
I think I figured something out after I got in the car. I don’t think the reason I feel I don’t deserve to react that way to certain traumas Like if I hurt someone else, I don’t deserve to suffer. I suspect there are other things in my past where that applies as well. Maybe even my having mental illness in general, because it hurt/caused stress for my parents, causes stress/inconveniences/annoyances for H, keeps me from being as good of a parent as I could be to D, etc.

OK, I should probably pull myself together and leave the parking lot now (I’m OK to drive, just a bit weepy). I guess I have a lot to think about between now and Monday...
Thanks for listening,
LT"

T responded briefly (I think between sessions) a couple hours later saying it was a "very interesting insight!" and that he looked forwarding to discussing more on Monday. I ended up e-mailing him again later because I'd been crying a bunch.

Me: "Thanks. I keep being really emotional. I was fine while meeting H and D for dinner a bit ago, but cried all the way home (and while getting gas). I'm not sure if this realization or today's discussion or both sort of ripped the bandage off of something or what. I just feel sort of raw. It's like I want you to tell me that it's all going to be OK, that I'll get through it, through talking about all of this (including stuff we haven't fully addressed yet) and feeling all the emotions that go with it, that you'll help me through it."

He replied an hour later with what I felt was a caring and helpful response. I especially liked the last line because it feels like he has faith in me, and that's the sort of thing I need to be hearing.

"Hi LT,
I'm sorry that you're having such a strong emotional reaction to your insights - but you most certainly will get through it, and I will do my part to help and support you. You may want to journal some of these thoughts, and do some deep breathing/mindfulness exercises to quiet your mind and body. Keep in mind that you are safe and that you have survived and conquered many challenges - and you'll do the same with this challenge."