Hi Skeezyks. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I suppose it is something to bring up to my therapist when I have the time to. I have been like this for a very long time, too. But it got really bad this summer, because I made a decision about my future, and then it didn't "feel like the right one" (aside from also causing me anxiety and being too expensive). There were a few things I was going to do, and kept changing my mind because they too, didn't feel interesting anymore, and I hadn't even started.

I have never been diagnosed with bipolar. But its certainly something I can bring up to my therapist and psychiatrist when I am able. However, to me this does not sound like bipolar. I'm not up at night thinking about it. And I have heard this is a common issue with some people. Also it could be related to the anxiety and depression I experience. Who knows though. I'm not a doctor or clinician either.

Re: apologizing: I think...I do feel like I am letting myself down, and in a way I am. I DO also feel this need to apologize to others though, I wonder if it's because this type of behavior from myself, stresses my mother out. She used to say "I can't deal with the back and forth with you." Now she just ignores my problems usually.

Re: fear of success: I don't think that's it. I think it's more...a mixture of things. I don't have the energy to talk much about it atm. But yeah.

I had a therapist who just thought I liked the high of signing up for something new. This was actually accurate. I had another therapist who said to me once "you do a lot of things that you don't feel like doing. you should do more things you feel like doing." the thing with that though, is that she was comparing me to herself. And I don't think she had a very good grasp on depression and the way I personally work and function as a unique human.

I don't think I'm afraid to succeed. I do think I'm afraid to close myself off from other things I find interesting. The truth is though, that this is stressful and agonizing, and I WILL choose something. Eventually. Lol.

I am glad you were able to relate to this, as well, Skeezyks. It makes me feel less alone in my makeup.

There is someone in supported education who I can talk to about this too. I think it's important.

Thanks Skeezyks.