I've been struggling with this thing my entire life and I have yet to understand it. This might belong in the R&C forum but I'm not sure or maybe somewhere else.

Anyway, I've been thinking about something today, about how no matter what mood/state I am in the majority of people I know aren't happy with me. I'll be depressed and I'll be told that I'm "bringing them down". Okay, so I'll be happy (or at least pretend to be), now it seems I'm annoying them. Okay, I'll be neutral, now they just seem bored with me. If I'm angry, I'm too emotional or it's all in my head.

Why the hell am I never okay according to them? If they don't want me around, why invite me over and talk to me? Seriously, what's the point if you're never ****ing happy with me? Is it because I talk you off the ledge? Is it because I try to make you feel important? Is it only because of what I do for you?

Why can't I just be me?

Am I just a person no one cares about, a person to take advantage of as long as possible? As long as I allow people to treat me like ****? Am I just a doormat?

I realize this is more of a rant than anything and I truly don't know if this is just my head screwing with me. I just can't stop feeling used and unwanted. I thought when my depression lifted I wouldn't feel this way anymore, but I still do, I still feel like a burden more than anything. Maybe it's just me. I mean, I ****ing hate myself and that could have something to do with it, but what if it isn't? What if this whole time I just ignored certain things to keep the relationships?

I'll probably bring this up with my T, but if someone here could help me then I'd appreciate it.