Something happened today. I've been doing better with my depressive symptoms, they've lightened up almost to non-extence. Regardless, I've had non-stop SI for three days straight. No breaks and am even dreaming about it. I figured it's just something I have to retrain myself to not think about. I don't know about that after what happened earlier.

I went out to the shed to do one of my audio journals on my cellphone. I've been doing these every so often because it's sometimes easier to listen to myself rather than read what I've put down on paper.

Now it's more than all I can think about. It's all I want. It's like I was standing on a ledge and got pushed down and I'm back to holding on by my fingernails. I can't shake it. I want to do it, hell I need to do it.

Why am I so ****ed up? Why can't I just be okay?

I just want it to stop.