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katydid777 · Jul 29, 2018, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Something happened today. I've been doing better with my depressive symptoms, they've lightened up almost to non-extence. Regardless, I've had non-stop SI for three days straight. No breaks and am even dreaming about it. I figured it's just something I have to retrain myself to not think about. I don't know about that after what happened earlier.

I went out to the shed to do one of my audio journals on my cellphone. I've been doing these every so often because it's sometimes easier to listen to myself rather than read what I've put down on paper.

Possible trigger:

Anway, I go out there and sit on the couch, right across from me is the gun safe. My dad changed the combination a long time ago so that I couldn't do anything. Well it was ajar and it caught my eye. I should've shut it right away, any healthy person would've. I didn't and I opened it all the way. I stared at all of the firearms and pulled one of the pistols out of its holster. I just stared at it for a while and all of these feelings hit me. All I wanted was to use it on myself. I didn't, I put it away and shut the door.

Now it's more than all I can think about. It's all I want. It's like I was standing on a ledge and got pushed down and I'm back to holding on by my fingernails. I can't shake it. I want to do it, hell I need to do it.

Why am I so ****ed up? Why can't I just be okay?

I just want it to stop.

So Leigheas, I understand how hard things are right now!!! I too have been having more, and more issues , and not good thoughts at times this month. I am feeling that lost feeling again. Not all the time, butat times. I also have easy access to what you spoke of, and I think about that sometimes. I know a lot is mostly my own fault bc I don't make my self get away from here and everyone who I have issues with. I will try to talk with my new T hopefully this week. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!!!!!! (((((((LOTS< AND LOTS OF MAJOR HUGS)))))))