Welp, you could go the extreme way I did and get mean/distant to the point that no one will use you as a doormat because you have no one... But I wouldn't recommend that. It has its perks, sure, but being alone is one hell of a con.

Anyhoo, this stuck out to me, so I wanted to address it:
"Why can't I just be me?"
"I mean, I ****ing hate myself..."

Seems to me that if you hate something it becomes harder to be that thing, so I feel like you've answered that question yourself there. Learning not to hate ourselves is pretty important, but also very difficult when we've been trained to only see how bad we are.