Hello leviathan: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this fetish situation. I've had some similar sorts of experiences myself. So I at least feel as though I have some understanding of what that's all about. I'm not a mental health professional though. So I can't give you any substantive advice.

What strikes me though, with regard to what you wrote, is that perhaps there are two issues at work here. One is your fetish. From what I understand of fetishes, they are extremely difficult to break. It seems the general consensus of opinion is that what is important is to indulge the fetish, to the extent necessary, in as safe a manner as possible. (I can't speak to your thinking that if you can experience it once you will lose interest in it.) Unfortunately, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your fetish requires the participation of another person, which would of course make the whole situation just that much more complex.

The other part of your concern however, & the part that seems to have caused you SO MUCH distress, is your need to talk about it to other people. And I wonder if this might perhaps be an OCD-type symptom. If that is the case, while OCD can be difficult to treat too, there are effective treatments for it. So, seeking some treatment for your need to talk to people regarding your fetish might be helpful. It may not address the fetish itself. But perhaps you can learn ways to not talk about it with people who will judge & abandon you. So, with that thought in mind, here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of treatments for OCD:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

When to Seek Treatment for OCD

My best wishes to you...