Tonight i dreamed i was somehow recovering from a FULL YEAR of some sort of unconsciousness. i was starting to recognize my parents by their name and face. i was seeing they were happy i could recognize them and they kept telling me i had an awful year where i was kind of catatonic. friends and colleagues were calling me, happy i was coming back to the world. a part of me was happy i had that experience and people were worried for me but another part of me wanted to go back to that unconsciousness because i still didnt want to be alive. and as often happens in lucid dreams, what i wanted started to happen so i was slowly falling back down in that state of unconsciousness.

after a while i started to come back to the world again and even if i didnt want it, it was happening and i started making questions about people, friends and even my T. my mom had to tell me my T kept seeing me for a month after i fell catatonic and then hopelessly quit. i was starting to see the world under a new different light and even if i still didnt want to be alive and be conscious it was slowly happening and i was learning new things. i tried to hold onto some objects that were meaningful to me but i was slowly waking up from the dream.

i woke up, thought it was a very vivid and interesting dream and slowly fell back asleep hoping to continue the dream but it didnt happen. what i dreamed afterwards was weird and curious too though.

i dreamed i was trying to run from my C S abuser. it was thrilling because every time i could find a way to run from him he would appear in front of me trying to catch me. but still in the back of my mind, i kept feeling i still was recovering from the year of unconsciousness. and then i woke up.

i really really would like to fall into unconsciousness. maybe with some breaks every now and then, but even forever.
i love it when i dream im sick and fall unconscious, die or just faint…

anyone like me? any thoughts?