Hello all.

I am trying to see the glass half full.

Good news since my last post: I landed a job earlier this month. It felt great to send updates to my friends, and come out from "hiding" after 7 months of a "sabbatical," "finding myself," "funemployment," or whatever you want to call it.

Then reality set in.

I am still grateful that I found this job. However, there are a few concerns:

Knowledge, experience, and interest. The subject is all esoteric, and completely foreign to me. My colleague (the founder of the co.) is absolutely brilliant, and has lived and breathed this technology for the last 7 years. He's understanding of the fact that this is relatively new to me, and that I can't go out and sell this stuff right off the bat. So far he seems to be ok with my performance, and maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. That said, I also have very limited interest in this area. I know these technologies are "hot," and get a lot of press. However, (as with most things aside from surfing the Web, staying on social media), none of it excites me. This apathy comes across when I meet with people: they can tell immediately that I'm going through the motions. I come off as an insurance salesman, randomly throwing off product names and a canned list of benefits, without truly believing in it.

Lack of structure. Like most people with bipolar disorder, I need structure in my life. One advantage is that the job is entirely remote. Sometimes I have to drive to meet with my colleague, or with clients / prospects. However, it's not like my previous job where I had to sit in an office for 8 hours and spend my whole day trying frantically to look busy (i.e., keeping a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet open on one screen while surfing the Web and sitting on Facebook / Twitter on the other). The downside is that I don't have specific goals or deadlines I need to hit. I am terrible at setting goals and making plans. Everything that is new seems appealing to me. This is why I keep starting tasks and then abandoning them; there's the instant gratification of something new, which gets boring after a while.

Lack of memory. It's fairly well documented that people with Bipolar struggle with retention of information, and suffer from memory loss. This is the most FRUSTRATING thing: I spend hours and hours researching these foreign topics (i.e., technology, sales, product management) to no avail. It's in one eye and out the other. I also suffer from hypergraphia - the compulsion to write down everything.

Often times I'll end up practically rewriting an article I've read. At the time it's reassuring; however, it takes way too long, and later on the notes make no sense. I have to reread the notes, re-read the article, and even then I don't retain the information.

Anxiety. Because of the lack of structure, I constantly wonder if I'm focusing on the right thing: researching the focus of the firm? setting up appointments with prospects? augmenting my skillset in creating presentations / business development / product management. I'm good at starting tasks, but rarely see them to completion. Today, for instance, I've started researching 3 topics, and have abandoned them to look up things like "social media addiction," "getting more productive," and coping with bipolar (which led me to this forum).

Also, the anxiety makes it hard to focus in meetings; I nod repeatedly, in a concerted effort to absorb the information that is being directed my way. However, unless I write everything down, it's completely out the window.

Depression -> lack of productivity. It's such a struggle for me to get up in the morning. I prefer lying in bed until 7:30am, and don't really start getting productive until 10. Even then, I'm yawning and feeling guilt. I am slowly tapering off my consumption of alcohol, but sugar, social media, and television have me in a stranglehold. As a result, when I get up in the morning I'm truly exhausted.

Lack of compensation. There is no fixed salary for the position. I earn a commission on any business I bring in, but am nowhere near closing (or even starting) a sale. The firm is bootstrapped, meaning that it's funded entirely by the owner without any outside funding / investment. For various reasons, the company's piggy bank is running very light these days, and he can barely afford to pay himself. For now, we (fortunately) have the means to survive for a little bit without a steady paycheck. That said, it's frustrating to be floundering without any income coming in. I often look back at my last job. It was well below my experience and education (a BA, MS, and MBA, all from top schools), bored me to tears, and led to feelings of depression because I didn't fit in, and didn't connect with any of my colleagues or superiors. However - it was a steady paycheck. My family and I didn't have to scramble around every week, to keep up with the bills.

All things equal, things are good; I'm learning (or trying to learn, at least) new things, getting back out there, and staying occupied. Prior to July 3rd, I spent most of my time frantically searching for jobs that were well below my experience of 20 years. Anything overly demanding would have brought on stress - which is clear from the current state of affairs. There was next to no response to any of my efforts, and the minimal activity was mostly a stream of "thanks but no thanks."

Anyways, I'll try to stay positive. Thanks for the opportunity to vent - feels good to get my thoughts on paper and try to move on. The glass still looks to be close to empty, but appears to be slowly filling up.
I wish you all the best - have a great week.