I haven't posted anything on this site in some time now. I honestly don't even know why Im even bothering to write this even now. Guess its bcuz I have no where/ one else to turn/ talk to? Even though I feel like nothing, and no one should waste their time reading this.

For starters, Id like to point out that I'm not in therapy (never found therapy to be any help, never) as well as I do not take any dr. prescribed medications. I've taken a more "Natural Approach" to dealing with my issues vs. the more sought out way of managing em. Would appreciate if anyone reading this would keep in mind that everyone is different, just bcuz one thing works for one person, doesn't mean its going to work for others. I would also greatly appreciate it if you could respect my choice in all this?

I know we all have our own trails and tribulations in this life of ours. That being said, these last four months have been altogether, so, beyond chaotic. Four months ago, I allowed someone into my life. Yet little did I know how things would transpire from there. The few online friends (I do have) have all told me she sounds like a Narcissist, and given the last four months, Id have to agree.

This is not the reason I'm writing this though, to complain about an X..... Well, It has a little to do with it I guess, as I was single and alone for 10 years before she came along. Yet now, after breaking it off, now I'm facing this long and lonely road yet once again . And for me, that is beyond suffering, its pure torture. As I am altogether beside myself drowning in this abyss of loneliness and despair. Yet, it's not just bcuz of the break-up as why I'm feel like this....... Have been feeling this way long before she ever came along.

People tell me all the time to get out more, go do something positive, go make some friends. This, however, is not as easy for me, as I not only suffer from a hand full of mental conditions/ issues (such as rapid cycling bipolar w/ psychotic tendencies.... complex-ptsd.... dissociate disorder..... social anxiety and sensory overload from time to time), it's the agoraphobia which makes life that much harder though. Well, its all hard to deal with really. Yet it's leaving the house which can fill me with debilitating anxiety, not even able to go get much needed food and supplies as you watch what little you do have left, slowly (but surely) fading off the shelves/ from the fridge.

I do have a job, yet that is not as cut and dry as being an awesome thing, that I'm actually able to hold/ keep a job. As my boss has said many times over the years he hates having to keep me employed. It's not easy (at all) being surrounded by people who want nothing to do with you, if not them treating you like the plague, avoiding you at all costs. It's actually rather quite defeating to be honest.

Feeling like you're a ghost which languidly drifts (unseen) through the room, being heard yet no one is listening, being alive yet feeling utterly worthless. How does one begin to climb out of this hole in the ground when it's far to deep to do so?

I don't even know where to begin (complaining?) talking about myself here... I have very few online friends. Yet, they either have lives of their own, or are too busy to listen to someone like me. Anymore, it's the same thing, day in and day out. Drowning in deep sadness/ dark depression, feeling hopeless/ worthless, feeling like the plague, as very few are able to see past the illness and see a person. A sad/ suffering individual who is beyond reach.

Maybe I'm just a lost cause?

While it hasn't been very long since my X and I broke up. Break-ups have a very nasty effect on me, as it feels more like grieving the loss of a loved one passing. Sure, I broke it off, yet I had to. I couldn't take the constant pain I found myself in with them neglecting my feelings and emotions, as well as throwing/ using my illness/ issues against me.

It's one thing to be lonely and remain that way. It's something entirely different when you have to face going right back to that loneliness after letting someone into your life. Not to mention just how lonely things get as the months fade off into years.

Sure, we all deal with/ have loneliness to some degree in our lives. Yet the kind of loneliness Im talking about here is more like...... Well, let me put it like this..... A few years back (probably bout 6 or years ago now?) a little old man used to come into my work, always dressed nice, hair all slicked back, not that he was out to pick up on any women or anything like that. In all honestly, I think he was too old for such things. Week after week I'd see him at the front of the building trying to socialize with anyone who would talk to him.

Months later, one night, a follow coworker came running through the building bawling her eyes out. For the life of me, I didn't know what was going on, kept wondering to myself who sh!# in her Wheaties? I was probably the last person she turned to that night, yet come to find out, that little old man had done and committed suicide from being, just, that lonely. He was tired of being that lonely and decided he didn't wish to be anymore.

I've often sit back and think about that little old man. Maybe if I (or others here) would have just taken a little extra time/ energy to sit and talk to him, maybe he'd still be alive today? Sadly enough, this is right where I am now. Feeling like there is no reason, no purpose to keep going. As if, if this is all that life seems to offer, why try anymore?

I can only imagine some of you reading this may disagree with what's said herein'. Yet, you don't know me. Or, what I've gone through/ endured in this life. I do my best to be as happy as possible, when able. Yet when you've been in one relationship to the next where your partner lies, cheats, manipulates, uses, takes you for granted, how exactly are you supposed to view life?

How are you supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your own parents wished you were never born?

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel when you've been raped twice, all while having absolutely no one to turn to/ talk to about such things?

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel when you've been ran down/ hit by two moving vehicles?

Where is the light when you've repeatedly been held against your will by those who are supposed to love you?

Where is the light when you've known very little kindness from others?

….....Cause all I see (all ive ever seen) is darkness