I, too, read the entire thread. I have had some similar experiences. My first thought is while not taking medicine or therapy has worked in the past I think you might benefit from it at this time until you get over this hump.

I've been raped twice as well. One was sexual molestation by my dad while my mom was in the room and then two coaches cornered me in the locker room and both had their way with me. This is an issue that has to be dealt with. I understand we are different but I was not able to deal with it until I was began seeing a therapist. I tried to talk to my husband one time and he simply walked away. Now that we've been in counseling he is able to handle the conversation.

Break ups suck. I had an affair on my husband and ended it because my husband eventually was ready to work on our marriage. I haven't seen or talked to the other man since May. But, God, sometimes I miss him.

If all of this is making you consider suicide PLEASE see someone - a therapist, a pdoc, or go to the hospital.

We care about you and want to be those people who talk to you enough to prevent what you saw in that older man.

HUGS