I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. We here on PC can't diagnose you. Mental health diagnosis is a job for a mental health professional. You mentioned your doctors. I don't know if any of them are providing you with therapy services. But if you're not receiving mental health therapy services, in some way or other, that might be another component you might want to consider adding to your treatment plan. Therapy would be the place to talk about your very real concerns. I wish you well...