Hello Lightning: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

From what you wrote, it does sound as though you may be in need of some immediate real-life help. I can't tell you what the best way to proceed is. However you mentioned you've thought of harming yourself. So I would encourage you to get in touch with your pdoc as soon as possible.

I know you wrote you hate IP. But given your circumstances at the moment, that may be the best option for you. That's something for you to make a decision about with your pdoc. The important thing right now, I believe, is to not wait & allow circumstances to worsen. Do what you need to do now to "stem the tide", as we used to say. My best wishes to you.