I couldn't do it. I was so anxious going in and I wanted to be able to talk about wanting to talk to T when I was crashing last March and feeling rejected when she had no opening for an extra session and she never offered to talk on the phone, but other times she does offer to skype or talk on the phone. But we have never done either.

I told her that me still being anxious in her office means that I really cannot trust people and connect with people. She said it makes sense because of my bad experiences with a previous T (epic failure on that T's part) and that I am probability projecting mother feelings on her (which I adamantly denied, both today and in the past), and that I come to her office to talk about difficult stuff. I know I was anxious today because I wanted to talk about feeling too much when I was super depressed, and wanting her support but afraid of the rejection that could come from asking to talk on the phone.

I tried to say that I don't like that I wanted to talk to her in March (what I meant to say is that I wanted to ask her to talk on the phone but was afraid to ask). She didn't get it (of course I wasn't really saying anything) so I said that I am embarrassed about feeling so depressed in March and she said that it is good to have a reference point so that I work to stay more stable than March. So I still wasn't able to say what I needed to say.

I wanted to talk about SH in March, when even the online crisis folks didn't want to talk but wanted me to go to the ER. So to sorta get to that topic, I reported my SH during my vacation. She talked about strategies like getting up and walking away... if only it was that easy.

I feel like I was just going in circles, that I was trying really hard to say some really hard stuff but I couldn't actually use the words necessary to be understood.